Park Peep Watch – I’d say again, but are you really surprised?

While attempting to ignore how often posts bear this titleĀ  on this site – and what that says about my son, and possible future lawsuits – the Gremlin has again terrorized a public park.

Due to the Father of the Gremlin’s procrastination and poor planning, the car was scheduled to go in for new brakes at 8am this morning. This left the Gremlin and the Mother of the Gremlin with no way to get the Gremlin to school except to walk the mile and a half through the pouring rain of Seattle. Actually, it didn’t rain on them, but I’m sure the Gremlin will remember differently when he’s 35 or 40.

The MOTG did what she could to make the trip more interesting – they played games and even stopped on the way for a treat, but disaster was imminent when the MOTG noticed the Gremlin doing his potty dance.

“Hey Buddy, do you need to go to the bathroom?”

“Nope!” And he ran 20 feet to show here, and then stood there doing his potty dance while she caught up with him. Fortunately, the Gremlin had run up to one of the many parks in between his home and his school. The MOTG looked around. The park was mostly populated by people walking their dogs, and those people were mostly in the clear space so the dogs could run and do their business as well. Without remember she was with the Gremlin, she looked down.

“Okay, if you need to go, you can go in the park.” The Gremlin’s eye grew big and he grinned the evil grin of Gremlins everywhere.

“I CAN?! Okay, I have to potty!”

“Okay, just go in one of the trees away from the people, okay?”

“OKAY!” The Gremlin shouted over his shoulder, and ran right over to the cluster of trees and shrubbery perfect for hiding the ill-timed indescretion from the rest of the park. As long as you were inside. The Gremlin, however, was not. In true 5 year-old fashion, he marked the people with the dogs, and made sure they were at his back.

He then picked the closest possible tree to them, and without even bothering to go behind it, dropped trou.

It was fortunate, however, that no people with dogs were near-BARK! BARKBARK!

True to the form of the bad timing that can only be associated with the parents of the Gremlin not wanting to be embarrassed but ending up so anyway, a person walking to the park with his dog had been following the MOTG. His dog was currently lunging against his leash towards the exposed buttocks of the child in question. The Gremlin looked up, and as he is 5 he is therefore never in the wrong.

“Gosh man, can’t I get some privacy here? I’m trying to pee!”

“Uh, yeah, well, uh, sorry about that. Uh, my dog kinda likes that tree. He, uh, tends to use it every time we come here.”

“Well tell him to wait! I’m using it right now!” The man was now almost next to the MOTG, but clearly not desiring to get any closer to the Gremlin.

“Yeah, uh, apparently it’s popular with dogs, and uh, well…” He seemed to realize he’d just associated the Gremlin with a dog and was trying to get over both his discomfort and embarrassment at the same time. The Gremlin, though, provided the MOTG with a way out.

“There!” He said as he started off down the hill and towards his school, wiggling his backwards Star Wars Lego underpants up over his bottom, though failing because he was also trying to walk with his pants around his ankles at the same time.

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The Park Peep Watch (Yep, Again)

It’s always interesting to me how certain things just happen to certain people. I, for instance, can’t count how many surreal experiences I have had with the US’ domestically challenged population. From public exposure, to people “talking to me” from 20 feet away in a line without my knowledge, I am a magnet for weird occurrences with the homeless population.

The Gremlin, however, seems to have the opposite issue – specifically that repulsion is between his pants and his waist. You just can’t keep pants on the kid.

Well it just so happened that the Gremlin, having joined a preschool, managed to find several kids his age interested in the same things he was. He was departing from a playdate with his brand-new friends when it hit again.

“Momma, momma! I have to potty!”

“Well, we’re almost to the car, and the bathrooms are back through the parking lot, through the park and inside the zoo. Can you hold it until we get home?”

“No momma, it’s about to come out!” At this point, the Mother of the Gremlin took stock as to where she was – she’d deliberately parked in the free parking lot, which was significantly segregated from both the rest of the park, and the street. There was very little likelihood of anyone coming into the lot at that time, and he couldn’t be seen.

“Okay, buddy, just go ahead and go in the bushes.” The only thing that could really happen would be for his friend to drive by, and that was unlikely because they were going the other direction-

“Justin! BYE JUSTIN!” The Gremlin, who was in mid-stream, had bolted out into the parking lot waving multiple appendages as his friend and friend’s mother drove through the lot, waving back at the Gremlin and laughing.

Pants STILL On The Ground

The Gremlin was at Target the other day, and with his personality he gets very possessive. So when he does get his one treat at the store, or even something extra – like a Thomas sheet set, for example – he clutches it in both arms and ignores everything else around him. Being of slight build (125th percentile in height, 76th in weight), we frequently have trouble securing the waistline of the Gremlin (who to this day doesn’t understand why he needs to concern himself with snaps or buttons). It struck again at the store, and he was dutifully following his mother when his pants found themselves around his ankles. Without the use of his hands, and without his mother noticing, the Gremlin began to assess the situation.

With his hands full, the Mother of the Gremlin didn’t expect any trouble once he was in line to pay, holding his sheet set. She didn’t immediately turn around when she heard the woman behind her laughing, so when the cashier motioned for her to look, it was already too late. She turned just in time to hear him speak to the rest of the line behind them.

“Aw, c’mon, lady! It just happens sometimes!” And without attempting to pull them back up, he turned around with a huff, mooning the rest of the store (again) with his tighty-whities.

The Hoarding of the Fruit (Snacks)

The Gremlin is known for hoarding food in his room. I’m not sure if this is in preparation for 13 Baktun, or just a rainy day. The other day he was “making Mommy margaritas” and had a bag of limes in there (which, once discovered, the Mother of the Gremlin promptly raided so she could make margaritas).

Well, it so happens that our dear little foodie is such a terror at the grocery store that the only way we have found to keep him even semi-tame is to allow him one food treat he can buy and take home.

What the treat is usually depends on the area of the store he is in when he remembers he is usually allowed a treat. The other day, that happened to be right by the fruit snacks. This semi-gelatinous goodness had been a long-time favorite of the Gremlin’s, and it was even easier for him this time – they had Curious George fruit snacks, on sale.

After overcoming his initial paroxysm of delight, he happily clutched the box all the way to the checkout. And through the checkout (throwing such a fit the cashier was even acting timidly while using the hand-scanner on it…). And to the car.

Once the MOTG was finally parked, she wrested the box away from the tiny, vice-like paws of the Gremlin and was about to put it in one of her bags when she noticed it was a bit light. She turned to the Gremlin.

“Buddy, how many packages of fruit snacks did you get out of the box?”

“I ate two, momma, and put the third away for later.” The MOTG did the math in her head.

“Wait, how many did you eat?”

“Two, momma!”

“Where did the third one go?” The Gremlin avoided making eye contact, trying not to tell the MOTG. But she pressed again. “Buddy. Where is the other package?”

“In my pants.” The MOTG rolled her eyes. She flipped his coat off to the side and felt around in his pocket. Nothing. She turned the other pocket inside out. Still nothing.

“Buddy, do you remember what daddy says about lying?” He knew the answer to this one, and answered with enthusiasm.

“It’s bad!”

“That’s right buddy, so I want you to tell me where the last package of fruit snacks is.”

“Momma, it’s in my pants.”

“I just looked in your pants.”

“No, momma, ” the Gremlin laughed, thinking about how silly his mother was being, “not there. In my pants.”

The MOTG got the idea, and gave a little tug on each side of his hips. The Gremlin’s cargo pants dropped to the floor and the package of fruit snacks slid over to his mother’s foot. He reached down and picked it up.

“Momma, I share that with you.”

“No, thanks, buddy. You can go ahead and have it.”

“Oh, thank you momma, I’m so happy!”

So the MOTG loaded up her bags, and started off, the Gremlin contentedly munching on his fruit snacks. As she walked down the street to the condo, cars honked and whistled as they went by. Not seeing any cars in the middle of the road, or accidents, the MOTG shrugged it off and called for the Gremlin to keep up. Suddenly, she was disturbed by a man running up behind her.

“Excuse me, ma’am?” The MOTG turned to face this new obstacle between her and her lunch. (Funny how they both get really cranky when they don’t eat.)

“I think your son is having some issues with his pants.” The MOTG turned to look, and saw the Gremlin was still doing his best to keep up with her, running as best he could. It seems that, unburdened by the added bulk the single package of fruit snacks added to the Gremlin’s waistline, his pants had fallen to the sidewalk, and were beginning to come down and turn inside out over his shoes. Apparently the cars had been honking due to the miniature waddling pictures of Thomas and Friends on our son’s tighty-whities.

The MOTG took this in for a minute and then put all her groceries down, but the Gremlin strode past her.

“Momma, hurry up! I want McDonald’s!” He hadn’t said anything because he wanted to go get lunch as much as his mother had. And he rocked the Thomas undies proudly.