The Gremlin Composed His First Song

At the park today, amidst several jealous parents, the Gremlin composed his first song:

Oh you are a little pickle
Yes you are a little pickle
And I love you oh so much.
‘Cause you are the cutest brother
Yes, you are so cute
Even when you annoy the crap – uh, did you hear that mommy – stuff out of me!
And I will never hit you
Because I love you so much
Except when you touch my toys – then I’ll have to push you out of the way
Oh you are a little pickle
Yes you are a little pickle
And I love you love you love you love you love youuuuuuuuuuuu
And 7 + 3 equals 10
And BTW I’m really realy cool
Someday you will be too
But its okay because right now I love you
Even though your butt smells a lot
I love youuuuuuuuuuuu
Oh you’re a little pick and I love you
Oh you’re a little pick and I love you
Oh I love you so so much
Oh I love you so so much
Yes I do, yes I do, yes I do, oh I love you so so much
Yes i do, yes I love you
Oh I love you, yes I do
Yes I love you!

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Master of Manipulation

So the Gremlin and his mother went to Target for some good one-on-one time today. The Gremlin noticed the MOTG put a candy bar in the cart.

“Is that for me?” he asked.

“No, that’s for me,” responded the MOTG

“Well, then can I have a candy bar?”

“No, they’re not good for you.”

“But then why do you get one?”

“Because I don’t have any candy.”

“I don’t have any candy.”

“Yes you do, the Easter Bunny just left you LOTS of candy at home.”

“Well why didn’t you get any candy?” the Gremlin was concerned

“I don’t know,” the MOTG had to reply

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have been bad.”

“What?”

“Maybe if you hadn’t been bad, the Easter Bunny would have brought you candy.”

“The Easter Bunny doesn’t skip your house if you were bad.”

“Well then why didn’t he bring you any?”

“I don’t know,” said the MOTG, getting frustrated at the Gremlin’s circular logic.

“See, it’s because you were bad.”

“No, I wasn’t bad so I’m getting this candy bar for me, and you can’t have one because they’re not good for you.”

“But they’re good for you?”

“Yes.” The Gremlin was not pleased with his mother’s response and paused to looked at her.

“Well that’s crap.” At this point the cashier who was being highly entertained by the conversation, ended up losing it.

“Excuse me?” The MOTG spent the next few minutes disciplining the Gremlin and explaining why didn’t use that type of language. The Gremlin, being 5, was slightly obstinant, so the MOTG pulled out the big guns.

“Well, if you keep talking like that we’ll have to tell your father.”

“Psh, if you do, I’ll just tell him I learned it from you.”

“What have we said about lying? Does that help or hurt?”

“Yeah, but if I tell him that, I won’t be lying! In fact, I’d probably better just tell him anyway.”

“Fine, buddy, fine. I don’t think we need to tell your father…”

That’s right, he’s 5 years old and blackmailed his mother.