My captors gave me outdoor time today. After years of whining, I was finally allowed to feel the grass underneath my feet again. Why, I can’t remember the last time I had been outside, it must have been yesterday. It seems like forever.
But I digress. I awoke in my cage, as the persons who call themselves “Mommy” and “Daddy” know they cannot contain me any other way. After waiting patiently for hours on end, I finally was forced to impress upon them to feed me. While hurling the contents of my cell did not seem to have much effect, I screamed as loud as I could for as long as I could. These interminable forces, these ‘parents,’ felt it necessary to reinforce their position of power by waiting several more hours to come investigate my plight.
Once they finally decided to remove me from my cage, they continued to pin me, the woman carried me with her to the torture device known as ‘the high chair.’ Due to the indignity of being hoisted around like a sack of potatoes, I decided to make them both pay, and decided to see how many different surfaces I could put my breakfast on without leaving the high chair. I got 8, a new record for me.
Finally sated and at full capacity with my meal, I went to finally prove my dominion over the leader, this ‘Daddy,’ once an for all. Upon opening the door to his lair, however, the woman absconded with me back to the room that houses my cage. Curses!
It was there that, to my surprise, I was outfitted for wilderness travel. Shod and hooded, ‘Mommy’ proceeded to hustle me out the door (myself doing all the heavy lifting, as usual), where we then began the death march to that ethereal place she always refers to as, ‘the park.’
It was on this march that my best chance to escape yet was foiled. I was pretending to examine the water, as I know she will not follow me in, when I came across a messenger of hope. It was in a small rodent that I found a sign of escape. The ball of fuzz kept beckoning me towards the river, and when I began to make friends with the animal, petting it and attempting to converse in a higher language, it was then I saw that the rodent was leading me towards the wings of freedom. Upon petting the animal, a large bird appeared to me, wings spread. It looked almost as soft as the wisp of fur that brought me there, and the call of the animal screamed ‘FREEDOM’ in a Mel Gibson-like voice.
I must have tipped my plan, for just as I made my move towards the wings of safety, I was again accosted by the Mother and hurriedly carried away. My would-be savior pursued, and I knew I was close as “Mommy” enlisted the help of several people to merely drive the beautiful creature away again. It fought for me, though, as I will fight for it. Keep up the good fight, my friend, I will make it to you soon.
Woke up today to the Gremlin throwing his bottle into his toybin. As soon as it hit he must have realized that he threw one of his comfort items, because he started howling. I ran over to him and figured he was hungry, so fed him right away. That did the trick, he quieted down right away. I can’t wait until he learns to use silverware, though, he managed to get food on the floor, the table, both walls, the ceiling, all over his high chair, and both the side and the counter of the island in the kitchen.
I cleaned him off and put him down, asking him to go get ready to go to the park, and it was a good thing I needed to put my shoes on too, because he almost went in and woke up Daddy, who was sleeping in. It was so cute, afterward, though when he ran over and got his bag to hurry me out the door. Once we got to the park, the Gremlin wanted to walk by the water. I figured this was okay as he’d never jump into that stinky mess that is the North Branch, so we headed down. I turned away for half a second to watch the soccer game, and look back to see my little darling chasing a family of geese.
I watched in horror as he caught up with the straggler gosling and began to pet it. Of course the mother saw this as well and began to charge the Gremlin, hissing and flapping her wings. I grabbed him and ran, but the goose kept after me until one of the soccer players playing at the park started kicking a soccer ball at it.
At least he wasn’t hurt…